Hatred

3 points to work on, high school/politics/prof.

High School

Physics teacher - my actual exam result was not recognized despite knowing fully myself i got the highest marks at school. The exam paper was never even marked. The teacher never teach. I work hard to achieve the best grade for all science subject. But school choose not recognize it.

bullies - I am introvert. but constantly being the target of bullies for the being the odd one.

the group of teachers that unwilling to help - The day I got my SPM results, I got all A except for one subject, Bahasa. I got a B for it. I had to plead with the teacher to have it recheck/remark but the teacher was unwilling to even talk to me. When the award ceremony came, because I did not got straight As, i was placed a tier below others despite myself have more As than some of my classmate which has less As than me.

Politics

Despite born a Malaysian to a Malaysian parents. I am stuck in a system that constantly treats me a second class citizen/foreigner. This political climates is poisonous and I am disgusted when racist undertones that was hurl at me. I even hears these rubbish in front of me. “Cina balik Cina”, telling me to go back China where I have zero affinity to it. My parents and grand-parents do not even know which part of China their ancestor are from.

My parents experiences also adds to this. My mom was not given a job promotion because her superior said to her to give the job promotion because another Malay colleague needed that promotion more because they have another new child. Skin color over merits.

The quota system that is sicken to the core. I failed to get any entry into any tertiary education. had to settle for A levels which probably allowed me to go to UK. Malay classmate who had exam result worst than me getting full paid scholarship to North America just because of skin color. I am just angry at the affirmative policies that caters to the Malays. Constantly made to feel like a second class citizen and it get worst with time.

studying abroad was a ticket to get away from these nonsenses.

Failure

2 professors, 1st who took me in, 2nd who took over from the 1st prof

1st prof took me in despite knowing fully he going to retire midway of the Phd. did not even have the courtesy to even inform me in person or email that the supervision responsibility will be pass to the assistant prof. Did not even bother to supervise, nor have any constructive feedback, did even provide resources to do research.

The 2nd assistant prof, have zero interest in supervision and a constant source of obstacles for me to carry out any research. I was purposely hidden away since he does not want people to even know the existence of a foreign student. Deprive of resource just because I am not japanese. Unwilling to communicate.

At the end I am just a tool, cheap labor for them. A bonus point for their grant application for taking in a foreign student.

I even had a panic attack during this period. properly diagnosed by a counselor.

Forget? Forgive? move on?

A mere mortal myself, I try keep my self busy through work, online games, Youtube and so on. Just to keep myself distracted from thinking about these baggages. I get emotional, angry whenever these topics came to mind and really frustrates myself.